A friend of mine had his first child recently. He's been staying at the hospital, (he was there for the whole labor, in fact) and I've been wondering what's wrong with him.
First
of all, the labor lasted longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies
put together. Secondly, there really isn't much for the guy to do at
that point. His contribution was made months ago. After that,
it's just waiting around for the woman.
You see, I view this as a wasted opportunity. This is the perfect time for the man to get in his last game of poker or strip club visit before the wife extracts her revenge for his impregnating her in the first place.
I patiently explained this to a female co-worker, who naturally didn't understand it at all.
She kept going on these irrelevent tangents about what a dick or a mean person I was. I still fail to see how that has anything to do with the simple logic of why it would be a waste of my time to be there.
Personally, I have no desire to watch a small human being slide out of a woman. If I want to watch a parasitical creature emerge from another organic life form, I'll rent Aliens. I also don't want to have to listen to the screams of agony as a several pound, over-a-foot-long, writhing piece of flesh works its way through the substantially smaller orifice of my mate.
If
I am there, what am I supposed to do? Be reassuring? I'm not the one
with a small human being kicking me from the inside. What the hell common
frame of reference can I possibly have to be qualified to give reassurance
in that situation? Hell, I could be home figuring out how to work the
washer/dryer or the coffee maker.
Woman claim that I am insensitive because of my thoughts on this subject. You won't hear any argument from me.
You also won't hear an apology for being luckier than you in chromasome roulette. Don't tell me that I'll never understand because men will never experience the same kind of pain. I didn't design us that way! If I had the power, I would take away the pain of childbirth from woman and replace it with a mute button.
So my friend is there, being supportive....nothing to do...bored to tears, and all I can think is "What memory did you get out of this except the image of sterile hospital walls and the scent of stale hospital food?" You could have been at Disneyland, recharging your emotional batteries for the impending lack of fun you are about to have.
Guys...seize
the opportunity to go out and have a little fun. Just show up long enough
to snap a few pictures and the wife will never know you weren't there.
Trust me, she's going to be a little pre-occupied when an organic-based
life form pushes past her abdomen in search of freedom.
And as for those pictures you have from the ultrasound of the baby still in the womb.....just think of what a disturbing addition to the family photo album it really makes. Most guys don't want other men to see their wives naked, but an intimate view of their vital organs is okay.
And ladies, do you really want the man there anyway? The type of guy who is liable to be there is the type of guy who is gonna take pictures of the inside of your body because there really isn't anything he can do to help.